⚠ Parody Website — Not Real — For Entertainment Purposes Only ⚠
Workplace Safety, Probably

Safety Is Our
Second Priority.

Established 2015 — exactly one year after the good guys — P8 Safety Solutions has been delivering up to 8 distinct workplace safety solutions to clients who didn't read the fine print. Five more than the other guys. By volume.

Get Somewhat Safer Our Methodology
8
Total Solutions (Claimed)
3
Solutions Identified So Far
100%
Of Graduates Still Breathing
0
OSHA Violations (This Week)
Our Six Of Eight Services

Industry-Adjacent Training

Each course is designed by people who have watched at least one full training video the whole way through. Pricing available upon several requests.

01

OSHA 10-Hour Certification

We do nine hours and round up. Certificate of completion provided on a sheet of paper. We have a printer.

02

Fall Protection

An experienced instructor will point at the ground and explain, in plain language, what is down there and why you should not go to it quickly.

03

Confined Space Training

Held in a van. Curriculum is hands-on by necessity. Bring a water bottle. Cohort size is capped at seven for legal reasons we will not get into here.

04

CPR Certification

A curated playlist of YouTube videos viewed in a designated learning environment. Final exam is a vibe check. Certificate issued via DM.

05

Hazard Communication

We are not entirely sure what GHS stands for. We will, however, invoice you for an in-depth seminar on it. Materials provided in a binder we found.

06

Building Quality Relationships

No idea how this one got in the catalog. It has nevertheless become our highest-rated offering. We do not ask questions anymore.

Why Choose P8

Five More Solutions
Than The Other Guys.

Our competitors offer three solutions. We offer eight. By any objective measure, that is more. We let the math do the talking and our legal team do the squirming.

  • Family-owned by a family we are still in the process of locating.
  • Same-day certification, provided same-day means within a fortnight.
  • All instructors hold at least one credential, in something.
  • Group discounts available for groups large enough to pressure us.
  • We will travel to your site, weather permitting and ideas permitting.
  • Training materials are printed double-sided, for the environment.
  • Refund policy: we will hear you out, in good faith, once.
What Our Graduates Are Saying

Real Testimonials, Real People*

*People as defined under §2 of our internal glossary.

"I completed the Confined Space module in the back of a 2008 Ford Econoline and I have never felt more prepared. The instructor was right there. The instructor was always right there."

Darren K.Van Cohort, Spring 2024

"Signed up for OSHA 30. Got 22 hours. Honestly, the last eight hours of those courses are mostly filler anyway. They gave me a card. The card is laminated."

Marcus T.Site Foreman, Probably

"I came in for hazard communication. I left with a renewed sense of purpose, a new business partner, and a tentative wedding date. The relationship course changed my life."

Renee P.Class of 2023

Ready To Be Marginally Safer?

We get back to most inquiries within several business weeks.

Contact Us Probably